has my personality changed since childhood?

It’s been very difficult for me to find some time to focus on my writing so YF came out with an idea to give me a time off once every week; just get out the house and have my personal time without baby C. Today is my first day off and here I am updating my blog for a start. I planned to post something a while back but got disrupted by baby C and completely forgot to finish it. Since I had baby C, I feel a bit weird when I am not around her, even though I know she is with her father now, it’s still kinda difficult for me to let go and let him take care of her. I know he will do a good job (although it might not be the way I would have done it) so I guess I just have to get used to this.

Firstly, almost a month ago we celebrated baby C’s first birthday. We didn’t invite anybody and just the three of us at home. I couldn’t believe it’s been a year since I gave birth to that little potato. All those sleepless nights, those frustrations and feeling incompetent as a mother cannot compare to the happiness that she has grown up well. Honestly, every time I see her smile, I just melt away. Sometimes I still get frustrated when taking care of her, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's not her fault; it's nobody's fault. Things happen and they don't always happen according to what I plan. This is the hardest part for me to accept.

So, what I want to write about today is has my personality changed since childhood? If so, how?

I recollected that I was a happy kid back then. I was a little shy and didn’t talk much but I had many friends. I was playful and energetic but a little bit slow on the boy-like-girl-and-girl-like-boy area, though. A boy confessed his feeling to me for the first time in primary two and I just walked away feeling weird and ended up avoiding the boy the whole year. I didn’t know how to react to all those feelings because nobody tells me how to. I guess I got matured a little too late. All these happy and energetic personalities changed because something’s happened a few months before I graduated from Primary school.

I had a best friend and we both always did things together, the teachers told us we were twins. We even had the same handwriting! There was this boy who apparently had a crush on me but I didn’t reciprocate. My best friend had a crush on him. Typical triangle love. I didn’t care, though, to do something about it. I thought somehow they both would realise their mutual feelings and got together. What didn’t realise was that the boy was so hurtful he decided to talk to my best friend behind my back and turn her against me.

After a long school holiday, we were finally secondary school students. I didn’t know anything about what happened between them and came to school with a happy feeling just to be ignored and avoided the whole day, on my first day at school. I was a confused I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk to her but she completely avoided me. The boy, who was in the same class with me, kept giving me hurtful remarks in front of others. I remember vaguely that I cried that day and tried to find out what had happened but didn’t get any answers. Even until now, I actually don’t know what happened. But something had changed inside me. I was no longer that happy girl I used to be. I closed myself and became a quiet and emo girl. I showed very little emotions and frowned most of the time. I didn’t smile anymore. And no more best friends. It just continued until I became an adult.

I’m not 100% sure that my personality changed because solely my friends turned against me but I guess it caused a great impact on me as a teenager. It affected how I grew up and my view on people. I realised it made me a monster, too, by ignoring how other people feel. I said what I wanted to say without considering how it would affect others. Even until now. It’s something I am working on to change.